did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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