my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
