i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
