Old men and throwing up are my life now.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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