Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
