i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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