When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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