It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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