Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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