I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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