I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
