proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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