Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
