im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
