if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
