whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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