I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
