I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Are we still banned from the library?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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