She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
