that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
