when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
