I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
