The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
