Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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