The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
two words...techno handjob
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
