Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize