pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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