so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
