I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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