haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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