I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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