I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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