I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize