Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
