you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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