i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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