she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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