i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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