Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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