She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You've changed since you got that strap on
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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