If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
