I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
