Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
