I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
