Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
