Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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