I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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