the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
false alarm, still single
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
