11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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