final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
