My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
