Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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