It's Friday. Sex?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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