Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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