I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
