I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
