I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
