I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
