i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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