can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
