Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
